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Some fun stuff to read


Computers

Usenet is essentially a HUGE group of people passing notes in class. --R. Kadel

Computer science is two thirds hard work and 50% mathematics.

To whom the gods destroy, they first teach Windows.

We didn't have any sissy icons and mouses.
Back when we were programming, we used machine languages.
Coding in 1's and 0's. Sometimes we didn't even have 1's.
I once wrote a whole database programm using only 0's.
You had 0's ? We had to use the letter O"
- Dilbert

Any given program, when running correctly, is obsolete.

If architects built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

On a clear disk you can seek forever.

Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.

A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; Teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.


Politics

If voting could bring about change, it would become illegal.

The Second Amendment is the RESET button of the United States Constitution.

"Only in America can a homeless veteran sleep in a cardboard box while a
draft dodger sleeps in the White House. " - unknown

Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!

"When they came for the 2nd Amendment, I said nothing, for I owned no gun.
Then the sixth was next to go, and I remained silent, as I was not on trial.
They took away the fourth, and I said nothing, as I had nothing to hide.
And then they came for the First, and I could say nothing."


IQ

Everyone has a photographic memory - some just don't have film!

You know how stupid the average person is?
Well, by definition, half are even dumber than that.

If children didn't ask questions, they would never learn how little adults know.

It's time to pull over and change the air in your head.

"There are three kinds of people:
Those who can count, and those who can't"

Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain." - Friedrich von Schiller

Smart is when you only believe half of what you hear.
Brilliant is when you know which half to believe.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe.


Religion

Black holes were created when God divided by zero.

Evolution is God's way of issuing upgrades.

God may have a last name but I'm sure it's not "Damn It"

God must love stupid people. He made so many of them.

In God We Trust - all others must show two forms of ID.

Irony: God gave the tortoise a drag factor of .03

Man created God in his own image.

Man invented alcohol; God invented pot. Who do you trust?

To the gods I am an ant, but to the ants, I am a god.

668: The neighbor of the beast.


Life or Death

When the first living thing was created, I was there, waiting.
And when the last living thing shall perish, my job will be done.
I'll put the chairs on the tables, turn out the lights and
lock the universe behind me when I leave.         -Death

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Life is sexually transmitted.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

There are only two times in life that everyone is equal... birth and death.


Misc

When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults.

If I want your opinion, I'll read your entrails.

Gravity: It's not just a good idea, it's the law.

Of all the things I ever lost, I miss my mind the most.

Why, he wondered, did so many people spend their lives not trying to find answers to questions -
not even thinking of questions, to begin with? Was there anything more exciting in life than finding answers?

I have gone out to look for myself.
If I should return before I get back,
hold me until I get there.

"Lots of little synapses deep in his cerebral cortex all joined hands
and started dancing and singing nursery rhymes." - Douglas Adams.

There is a thin line between Sanity and Insanity...
and most of the time, I don't know which side I'm on!"

Faster than a tall building, larger than a speeding bullet, smarter than a locomotive.

You can't run from trouble. There ain't no place that far.

If you're robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall down, I think it's okay to laugh,
and to let the hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny.
-Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would
take about a billion ants just to AIM a gun at me, let alone fire it. And
you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip
off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.
-Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then,
Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back. -Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

I can complain because rosebushes have thorns ...
or rejoice because the thornbush has a rose.

"...if you see your enemy in the water up to his neck, you will do
well to push him under; but if he is only in it up to his knees, you
will do well to help him to the shore."   -Machiavelli.

Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...

You'll never find your gold on a sandy beach,
you'll never drill for oil on a city street.
I know you're looking for a ruby in a mountain of rocks,
but there ain't no Coupe de Ville hiddin' at the bottom of a craker jack box.
Meatloaf - Two out of Three Ain't Bad

Experience is a wonderful thing...
It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.

No good deed goes unpunished.

If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.

A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.

If everything seems to be going well, you obviously don't know what the hell is going on.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you; cry and you have to blow your nose.

I haven't lost my mind, it's backed up on disk somewhere.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.


Some Things to Ponder

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Does "virgin wool" come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet?

Why do you park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?


THE PLAN
In the beginning was The Plan.
And then came the assumptions.
And the assumptions were without form, and the Plan was completely without substance;
and the darkness was upon the face of the employees.
And they spoke amongst themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit and it stinks!"
And the employees went unto their supervisors, saying, "it is a pail of dung and non may abide the odor thereof."
And the supervisors went unto their managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that non may abide by it."
And the managers went unto their Division managers, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its strength."
And the Division managers went went unto their System managers, saying, "It promotes growth and is very powerful."
And the General manager went unto the Board, saying, "This plan will actively promote growth and efficiency of this organization!"
And the Board looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the plan became policy!
THIS IS HOW SHIT HAPPENS
AMF


THE OJ TRIAL AS TOLD BY DR. SEUSS

I did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her on the head.
I did not know that she was dead.

I stayed at home that fateful night.
I took a cab, then took a flight.
The bag I had was just for me.
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be.

When I came home I had a gash.
My hand was cut from broken glass.
I cut my hand on broken glass.
A broken glass did cause that gash.
I have nothing, nothing to hide.
My friend, he took me for a ride.

Did you take this person's life?
Did you do it with a knife?

I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not anytime.

Did you hit her from above?
Did you drop this bloody glove?

I did not hit her from above.
I cannot even wear that glove.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would, not, anytime.

And now I'm free, I can return
To my house for which I yearn.
And to my family whom I love.
Hey now I'm free -- Give back my glove!!


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